My View on Some Translation Cases in
Beautiful English: The Music Within
The following problematic cases are from the book Beautiful English: The Music Within, edited and translated by Liu Yuhong, and published by New World Press in October 2012. I have made an analysis and provide my improved version for each of them.
E.g. 1
Source Language:
“Get the lantern and follow me,” I said. “We’re going to make a memory.”
——Estival Warm Pick Berry by Nancy Sweetland
Original Version:
“拿上灯笼，跟我走，”我说，“我们要去创造记忆了。”
Analysis:
Typical translationese. With no consideration of the Chinese way of expression, the version is stiff.
Improved Version:
我们要去编织记忆。
E.g. 2
Source Language:
Don’t judge a life by one difficult season.
——Four Seasons of A Tree by Assalam Walaikum
Original Version:
不要只在某人某段艰难的岁月里去判断他的一生。
Analysis:
Over-translation. The “one” in “one difficult season” modifies “season” rather than “人” (person) . And “by” should not be translated into “在”.
Improved Version:
不要以一段艰难岁月判定整个人生。
E.g. 3
Source Language:
Molly was still talking away and enjoying her meal and her mom and I both listened and tried to be happy in her presence but it wasn’t going very well. All of a sudden I saw this hand come out of nowhere. It was huge and I could tell that it had been afflicted with arthritis.
——A Touch of Heaven by Tim Reynolds
Original Version:
莫利仍在不停地说话，享受着她的午餐，而我和她妈妈在一旁听着，想要在她面前表现出快乐，但我们做的不太好。突然，看到一只手不断地在我面前显现。这只手极大，可以看的出来，它已经患了严重关节炎。
Analysis:
Mistranslation. First, “this” is a demonstrative pronoun which is different from the numeral “one”. So it is wrong to translate “this hand ” into “一只手”. Second, “不断地在我面前显现” totally deviates from the original meaning.
Improved Version:
突然间，不知从何处伸出这样一只手。
E.g. 4
Source Language:
I have flown hundred of flights since graduation but one stands out among the many.
——A Sky Angle by Robin Chapuis
Original Version:
毕业后我就飞过好几个航班了，而我在所有的人中表现也十分优秀。
Analysis:
Both “one” and “the many” refer to “flight(s)” rather than “我” and “所有人”.
Improved Version:
毕业以来，我飞了好几百个航班了，但其中有一次印象格外深刻。
E.g. 5
Source Language:
As she thanked me for all I had done she said softly, “You’re not the flight attendant, you’re a sky angel.” Touching my flight attendant wings, she continued, “And those are your angel wings.”
——A Sky Angle by Robin Chapuis
Original Version:
她为我为她所做的一切表示感谢，然后语气柔和地说：“你不是服务人员，你是空中的天使。”这触动了我这位空服人员的翅膀，她接着说：“那就是你天使的翅膀。”
Analysis:
Mistranslation. First, the logical subject of “touching” is “she”, not “这”. Second, “wings” is a kind of armlet worn by a flight attendant（“翼型章” in Chinese）rather than “翅膀”（a movable organ for flying）.
Improved Version:
她摸着我空乘服上的翼型章，继续说道：“那就是你天使的翅膀。”
E.g. 6
Source Language:
She had married James right here on this spot three years ago to the day. Dressed in a simple white shift dress, miniature white roses attempting to tame her long dark curls.
——Return to Paradise by Eliza Riley
Original Version:
三年前的今天，丽莎就是在这里嫁给詹姆斯的。她穿着朴素的白色长礼裙，小小的白玫瑰服帖地点缀着她又黑又长的鬈发。
Analysis:
The translator understands “who ‘tame’ what” in the wrong way. The “miniature white roses” here actually refer to hair clips that are used to clip “her long dark curls” so that they look nice and tidy.
Improved Version:
小小的白玫瑰试图让她那又长又黑的鬈发变得服帖。
E.g. 7
Source Language:
On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me. His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and in succeeding years.
——The White Envelope by Nancy W. Gavin
Original Version:
在圣诞节前夜，我把一个信封挂在了圣诞树上，里面写的是我所做的事，这是我送给迈克的礼物。在那年的圣诞节里，他的笑容比以往多少年来都要灿烂。
Analysis:
First, it is inaccurate to translate “the envelope” into “一个信封”. Second, according to the source language, the idea of “this was his gift from me” was written on the note, but the translation fails to make this clear. Third, “succeeding years” means “subsequent years”, or “随后若干年” rather than “以往多少年”.
Improved Version:
圣诞节前夜，我把这个信封挂在圣诞树上，我在里面的便条上告诉迈克我都做了些什么，还跟他说这是我送给他的礼物。那年圣诞节，他的笑容是最灿烂的，在随后的几年也依旧如此。
E.g. 8
Source Language:
That night he wrote a seven-page paper describing his goal of someday owning a horse ranch. He wrote about his dream in great detail and he even drew a diagram of a 200 acre ranch, showing the location of all the buildings, the stable and the track. Then he drew a detailed floor plan for a 4000-square-foot house that would sit on a 200-acre dream ranch.
——Follow Your Dream-The Monty Roberts Story by Jack Canfield
Original Version:
那天晚上他洋洋洒洒地写了七页纸，描述他的伟大志愿，那就是有朝一日拥有一座属于自己的牧马农场。他写下了关于这个梦想所有细节，甚至画了一张两百亩的农场设计图，上面标有马厩、跑道等所有建筑的位置。然后，在这一大片农场中央，他还要建造一栋占地四千平方英尺的豪宅。
Analysis:
Totally Misleading translation.
Improved Version:
然后，他画了一张详细的平面图，图中豪宅面积达4000平方英尺，坐落在他梦想中占地200英亩的牧场上。
E.g. 9
Source Language:
Monty then turned to the assembled group and said,“ I tell you this story because you are sitting in my 4000-square-foot house in the middle of my 2oo-acre horse ranch. I still have that school paper framed over the fireplace.”
——Follow Your Dream-The Monty Roberts Story by Jack Canfield
Original Version:
曼迪转向众人，说：“我告诉你们这个故事，是因为各位现在就坐在那两百亩农场内，那占地四千平方英尺的豪宅里。那份高中时写的文章我现在还留着呢。”
Analysis:
Pretermission. The part “framed over the fireplace” is left out.
Improved Version:
上学时写的那篇文章，我至今还框在壁炉上呢。
E.g. 10
Source Language:
Everything you do has an effect on those around you. The way you move, whether you smile or frown. You are capable of making someone’s day bright or miserable.
——Play the Rhythms of Life By Heart by Emy
Original Version:
你所做的一切都能从身边人的反映中折射出来。你处世的方法，喜笑颜开或怒发冲冠。这些都会影响到你身边的人是开心，还是难过。
Analysis:
Obscure. Mistranslation.
Improved Version:
你所做的每件事情都会影响到你身边的人。
Contributor：Zong Zhimeng（Grade 2013, Department of Foreign Languages, CWU）
Adviser: Ding Zhangang
Editor: Lei Yidan